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  • (on guest Quentin Tarantino)
    Jay Leno: He's the kind of guy you don't know is drunk until you see him sober.
  • (Jay Leno tells a joke about Bush "outsourcing" the presidency)
    Jay Leno: That seemed kinda mean, didn't it? Who is writing all these Bush jokes? Ellen, put on the camera in the cue card room.
    (switches camera to John Edwards writing monologue cue cards)
    Jay Leno: Who's writing in there?
    John Edwards: Hey Jay - you do your job, and let me do mine.
  • Jay Leno: (to Hugh Grant) What the hell were you thinking?
  • (about embarrassing Presidential relatives)
    Jay Leno: You know who the embarrassing brother in the Bush family is?
    (Breaks out laughing)
    Jay Leno: George!
  • (trying to fight off the "Ebonic Plague")
    Kevin Eubanks: Oh no! There be a hole in my suit!
  • (about President Bush touring the South after Hurricane Katrina)
    Jay Leno: He saw something below sea level. Yeah, his approval rating.
  • Jay Leno: (during "Headlines", imitating in southern accent ) Well, looook, here's some suuure fine winder cleaner!
  • Jay Leno: It's so cold in Washington, DC, it took 15 minutes to jump-start Dick Cheney's heart.
  • (about the Kansas City Royals, who lost 17 games in row)
    Jay Leno: It looks like President Bush wasn't the *only* one taking the entire month of August off.
  • Jay Leno: It was so cold in California today, Scott Peterson has said he's actually looking forward to going to Hell.
  • Jay Leno: (doing "Headlines") "Organism" can be a tricky word to spell...
  • Dennis Miller: I like Dick Cheney, because he's perpetually pissed off.
  • Jay Leno: (Re: Various things like a jewel-encrusted Mr. Potato Head) This is why poor countries hate us!
  • (on trip to China, guest Liam Neeson spent about $15 on some very cheap watches for his kids)
    Jay Leno: You cheap bastard.
  • (about all the Hollywood remakes of "King Kong")
    Jay Leno: I think it's just a case of monkey see, monkey do.
  • (about Supreme Court nominee Harriet Miers)
    Jay Leno: She called Bush "the most brilliant man I ever met." This is a woman we're hiring for her *judgment*?
  • Jay Leno: (repeatedly, his frequent signature post-punch line) Exactly!
  • Jay Leno: (reading an Ad on "Headlines") Men, do you have vaginal dryness?
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