Priya R. Sethi: It's just, something happened when I was gone. I jumped in the ocean. I got sick eating chocolates. I just fell in love.
Priya R. Sethi: I don't have time to eat your poisoned candy.
Granger Woodruff: It's just a little poison. Come on. Just one bite?
Kit Hawksin: Didn't we talk about that? Didn't I ask you not to speak so much? Didn't I tell you to learn to listen? Don't you want to be a nice boy? Didn't I tell you to be more like him?
(points to silent Japanese aide Mike)
Kit Hawksin: Here, watch this. "You hair's on fire." "But I don't WANT a Honda." Learn from this.
Charlie Hendricks: May I speak, sir?
Kit Hawksin: Only to say thank you.
Charlie Hendricks: Thank you.
Kit Hawksin: You're welcome.
Charlie Hendricks: We're gonna knock your socks off.
Kit Hawksin: And then he ruins it by speaking again.
Manju R. Sethi: You see, you are part of a family, and you are NOT entitled to hog all the happiness just for yourself.
Granger Woodruff: Are you being sassy? I mean, you've been here, what, three days, and you've already picked up sass? I mean, couldn't you just take home a magnet or a T-shirt?
Kit Hawksin: Look, fellas, I don't want my customers thinking what their bed was doing before they got in it.
Rajeev Sethi: (finding that his son messed up the house) That's it. My children are hooligan. I've done nothing right! Just go to weeds.
Manju R. Sethi: Oh, no, please, plaease, please, one minute.
Rajeev Sethi: He is probably following the example of his sister to see who can humiliate the family more - he with the party or she who ran away to America with some stranger.
Govinda R. Sethi: Definitely the one who ran away.
Zia: You know you're crazy, right?
Priya R. Sethi: Hm.
Zia: What if this guy turns out to be from a bad family and kidnaps you and makes you clean their toilets and, like, clean their dirty cats and all?
Priya R. Sethi: Then he's in real trouble. I'm not a good cleaner.
Kit Hawksin: Mumbai, that's the New York of India, right? I hear there's quite an explosion of jobs there.
Priya R. Sethi: I like to think of New York as the Mumbia of America, both with talented human resources.
(Granger attempts to address Rajeev in Hindi)
Rajeev Sethi: Try English, boy. You're hurting my ears.
Kit Hawksin: Excuse me. Did you say you're looking for a young Indian girl?
Manju R. Sethi: Yes! Yes-yes. Yes.
Kit Hawksin: I think I know the girl. I should. I gave her a hotel room last night. Pretty girl. No, I'm saying, good-looking kid. Wait a minute. Is this about me paying for it? 'Cause, I'll be honest with you, I do it all the time.
Rajeev Sethi: You are the one who has kidnapped my daughter!
Kit Hawksin: Wait! Kidnapped? Take it easy. Buddy, she wanted it. She liked it.
Manju R. Sethi: Is she with you?
Kit Hawksin: No, no, no. I was with her LAST night. Tonight she's probably with a guy I know. Or maybe two. He's got a partner.
Priya R. Sethi: I promise you I'll be back in two pieces.
Granger Woodruff: I kind of feel like James Bond. Only, I probably don't smell as good as he does.
Vij: I think you smell great.
Granger Woodruff: Thanks.
Granger Woodruff: Nothing should ever hold a man back from his future.
Priya R. Sethi: It's just, something happened when I was gone. Priya R. Sethi: I jumped in the ocean. Priya R. Sethi: I got sick eating chocolates. Priya R. Sethi: I just fell in love.