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  • Sally: Turk, come over here. Now he happens to be very hysterically funny. I put him right up there with Steve and Edie. He has more talent in his little pinkie than you have in your whole... pinky.
  • Duke: (looking at Jimmy Shines newly finished hot rod, joking) Is this piss yellow?
    Tony Nancy: (with mock shock) It's 'Tony Nancy' yellow!
  • Dudley: Don't hurt me! I think I may be a bleeder!
  • (Dudley is calling his mother from Tubby's)
    Dudley: Mother?
    Dudley's Mother: Dudley?
    Dudley: Mother, I am calling you to tell you I will be out rather late tonight. In point of fact, I might not be in at all.
    Dudley's Mother: You're not in bed, dear?
    Dudley: Mother, I have a assignation with a young lady. I am going to explore the boundaries of my manhood. Mother, I am going to get laid.
    Dudley's Mother: You're going to be late, dear?
    Dudley: Not late, mother, laid; the past participle of the verb 'to lay'. Mother, I am going to screw someone.
    Dudley's Mother: Oh!
    Dudley: Now, I just have to figure out how.
  • Mrs. Freidman: (Opens front door to find a bag on fire) Oh my god! Nevans! Juanita!
    Nevans: I'll take care of it!
    (Steps on the bag finding it contains dog poop)
    Mrs. Freidman: It's dog shit!
    Newbomb Turk: (Calling her from the street) Oh, Mrs. Freidman.
    Mrs. Freidman: (Notices one of the occupants is mooning her) I'll kill you! I'll kill you all!Juanita! JUanita, get out here!
  • Black Kid: Man, the fool ain't got no dick at all
  • Simpson: (to Newbomb, who's back is turned) Hey pencil-dick... what time is it?
    Newbomb Turk: (grabs a sandwich to throw at Simpson) Time to eat!
    (turns and hurls the sandwich which hits Officer Bimbeau instead)
  • Officer Clark: Don't you think I'd look good in a moustache?
    Bimbeau: You'd be perfect. You'd be a perfect horse's ass.
  • Bimbeau: Lemme tell you buttholes somethin'! This shit's wwaaayyyyy outta line! And you squirrels better have some nuts in your mouth... or you're goin' downtown!
  • Smitty: Everything changes, you know that. Nothing stays the same.
  • Mrs. Freidman: (Speaking to a crowd of investors in her living room) Starting tomorrow, today is history...
    Bimbeau: (Overheard speaking to Officer Clark from the kitchen) HORSESHIT!
    Mrs. Freidman: Um, Nevans, there seems to be some sort of disturbance in the kitchen.
    Nevans: Um, yes, those are members of the Hollywood Police Dept.
    Mrs. Freidman: Oh, well... go take care of it.
    Bimbeau: (heard from the kitchen, screaming at Officer Clark) BULLSHIT!
    Nevans: I'll go see if I can't get those boys to calm down.
  • Newbomb Turk: (Wearing a wolf mask) Hey, Red Riding Hood, wanna be eaten by the Big, Bad Wolf?
    Red Riding Hood: Fuck you Newbomb.
  • (repeated line to a little boy)
    Bimbeau: You little son of a bitch!
  • Suzie Q: How about a kiss?
    Duke: Sure, those never cost anything.
    Suzie Q: Yes they did. I got used to them.
  • Newbomb Turk: Did you ever hear the joke about the man with five penises? His pants fit like a glove.
  • Sally: He's got more humor in his little pinky than you have in your whole pinky.
  • (Sally's friends are topless sunbathing by the pool)
    Sally: I don't know why you're doing that. The last time I did that my tits peeled so much I went from a B cup to an A.
  • Brenda Weintraub: (Tape played over the PA system at the dance) Did you hear about Jean Freidman? I heard she had an abortion in Tijuana.
    Shirley Weintraub: That's doesn't surprise me. I heard she gave half the football team the clap.
    Shirley Weintraub: They sure played like they still had it last week.
    Newbomb Turk: That was the 'Ironbox' Twins, Brenda and Shirley Weintraub, coming to you live from the ladies' room at Tubby's Drive-In.
  • Sally: Turk, did you come?
    Newbomb Turk: A little.
    Sally: What do you mean a little? Either you came or you didn't.
    Newbomb Turk: I came.
    Sally: Oh my God, I can't believe you came. You are so immature.
  • Bimbeau: (after tasting the punch, which the Knights have urinated in) It does have a little wang to it. Good, though.
  • Sally: I mean, I don't know what it's gonna be. Soon I'll be going away to college and I'll probably never see you again.
    Newbomb Turk: You're going to UCLA.
  • Bimbeau: You know what I'd like to do to you, Newbomb? I'd like to kick the crap out of you!
  • Officer Clark: (singing to the theme of Lawrence of Arabia) Lawrence, Lawrence of Arabia. He was an English Guy. He came to fight the Turkish.
  • Mrs. Freidman: I've had this taste in my mouth before.
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