Sally: Turk, come over here. Now he happens to be very hysterically funny. I put him right up there with Steve and Edie. He has more talent in his little pinkie than you have in your whole... pinky.
Duke: (looking at Jimmy Shines newly finished hot rod, joking) Is this piss yellow? Tony Nancy: (with mock shock) It's 'Tony Nancy' yellow!
Dudley: Don't hurt me! I think I may be a bleeder!
(Dudley is calling his mother from Tubby's) Dudley: Mother? Dudley's Mother: Dudley? Dudley: Mother, I am calling you to tell you I will be out rather late tonight. In point of fact, I might not be in at all. Dudley's Mother: You're not in bed, dear? Dudley: Mother, I have a assignation with a young lady. I am going to explore the boundaries of my manhood. Mother, I am going to get laid. Dudley's Mother: You're going to be late, dear? Dudley: Not late, mother, laid; the past participle of the verb 'to lay'. Mother, I am going to screw someone. Dudley's Mother: Oh! (faints) Dudley: Now, I just have to figure out how.
Mrs. Freidman: (Opens front door to find a bag on fire) Oh my god! Nevans! Juanita! Nevans: I'll take care of it! (Steps on the bag finding it contains dog poop) Mrs. Freidman: It's dog shit! Newbomb Turk: (Calling her from the street) Oh, Mrs. Freidman. Mrs. Freidman: (Notices one of the occupants is mooning her) I'll kill you! I'll kill you all!Juanita! JUanita, get out here!
Black Kid: Man, the fool ain't got no dick at all
Simpson: (to Newbomb, who's back is turned) Hey pencil-dick... what time is it? Newbomb Turk: (grabs a sandwich to throw at Simpson) Time to eat! (turns and hurls the sandwich which hits Officer Bimbeau instead)
Officer Clark: Don't you think I'd look good in a moustache? Bimbeau: You'd be perfect. You'd be a perfect horse's ass.
Bimbeau: Lemme tell you buttholes somethin'! This shit's wwaaayyyyy outta line! And you squirrels better have some nuts in your mouth... or you're goin' downtown!
Smitty: Everything changes, you know that. Nothing stays the same.
Mrs. Freidman: (Speaking to a crowd of investors in her living room) Starting tomorrow, today is history... Bimbeau: (Overheard speaking to Officer Clark from the kitchen) HORSESHIT! Mrs. Freidman: Um, Nevans, there seems to be some sort of disturbance in the kitchen. Nevans: Um, yes, those are members of the Hollywood Police Dept. Mrs. Freidman: Oh, well... go take care of it. Bimbeau: (heard from the kitchen, screaming at Officer Clark) BULLSHIT! Nevans: I'll go see if I can't get those boys to calm down.
Newbomb Turk: (Wearing a wolf mask) Hey, Red Riding Hood, wanna be eaten by the Big, Bad Wolf? Red Riding Hood: Fuck you Newbomb.
(repeated line to a little boy) Bimbeau: You little son of a bitch!
Suzie Q: How about a kiss? Duke: Sure, those never cost anything. Suzie Q: Yes they did. I got used to them.
Newbomb Turk: Did you ever hear the joke about the man with five penises? His pants fit like a glove.
Sally: He's got more humor in his little pinky than you have in your whole pinky.
(Sally's friends are topless sunbathing by the pool) Sally: I don't know why you're doing that. The last time I did that my tits peeled so much I went from a B cup to an A.
Brenda Weintraub: (Tape played over the PA system at the dance) Did you hear about Jean Freidman? I heard she had an abortion in Tijuana. Shirley Weintraub: That's doesn't surprise me. I heard she gave half the football team the clap. (chuckles) Shirley Weintraub: They sure played like they still had it last week. Newbomb Turk: That was the 'Ironbox' Twins, Brenda and Shirley Weintraub, coming to you live from the ladies' room at Tubby's Drive-In.
Sally: Turk, did you come? Newbomb Turk: A little. Sally: What do you mean a little? Either you came or you didn't. Newbomb Turk: I came. Sally: Oh my God, I can't believe you came. You are so immature.
Bimbeau: (after tasting the punch, which the Knights have urinated in) It does have a little wang to it. Good, though.
Sally: I mean, I don't know what it's gonna be. Soon I'll be going away to college and I'll probably never see you again. Newbomb Turk: You're going to UCLA.
Bimbeau: You know what I'd like to do to you, Newbomb? I'd like to kick the crap out of you!
Officer Clark: (singing to the theme of Lawrence of Arabia) Lawrence, Lawrence of Arabia. He was an English Guy. He came to fight the Turkish.
Mrs. Freidman: I've had this taste in my mouth before.