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  • Dr. Robert Doback: We're putting the house on the market. Dale Doback: Where are we moving? Brennan Huff: Is the house haunted? Dr. Robert Doback: Nancy and I are retiring and sailing around the world on my boat. We are living the dream. Dale Doback: Well what about us? Nancy Huff: I- I'm sorry. Robert... we thought that you should take responsibility for your own lives. Dr. Robert Doback: And this is the exciting part. We're gonna put enough money in your accounts for a security deposit on an apartment. Dale Doback: What's this all about? Nancy Huff: Um, more than just money. We're gonna get you another kind of support as well. Dr. Robert Doback: You're both gonna see therapists. Nancy thinks it'll help. And guys, that's non-negotiable. Brennan Huff: Hold on. We're not going on the boat, Derek's selling the house, we have to go to therapy? (Robert nods) Brennan Huff: WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?
  • Dr. Robert Doback: (as Dale is playing video games in his room) Dale... Dale, I'm leaving for the conference. Dale Doback: You leave me money for pizza, Dad? Dr. Robert Doback: Yeah. There's $20 on the hall table. Do not order pay-per-view, buddy! Dale Doback: But what if I want wings? Dr. Robert Doback: (as he leaves out of the house) You don't need wings! Dale Doback: That's *NOT* ENOUGH, DAD!
  • Derek: (sarcastically) Not bad! Brennan Huff: (as Derek leaves) Eat shit, Derek!
  • (repeated line) Dr. Robert Doback: You know what I got for Christmas? A crushed soul!
  • Nancy Huff: Brennan, Denise called and she said she can't spend New Years Eve with you because she's not your girlfriend she's your therapist Brennan Huff: Is that what she said? She's a rascal.
  • Brennan Huff: I'm so scared right now. I'm just gonna to do what's sensible, I'm gonna file for unemployment. Then I'm gonna try to get a job at Enterprise Rent-A-Car, because they got an excellent corporate structure and they... *they* give *you* the tools to be your own boss.
  • Brennan Huff, Dale Doback: Chewbacca masks! (Growling, cheering and high-fiving. One mask is made with artificial fur, and the other is only molded rubber) Dale Doback: Chewbacca! Brennan Huff: It's okay that mine's not movie quality.
  • Dr. Robert Doback: (presenting in front of a crowd at a conference) The RTI cochlear implant is the state-of-the-art implantable hearing device due to its input processing of sound via the speech processor. (pause) Dr. Robert Doback: But the most exciting new development is the external processor, which fits directly over the ear... (he suddenly spots Nancy Huff in the audience and becomes transfixed) Dr. Robert Doback: ... which eliminates the need to... put your face between those breasts, and- (audience laughs)
  • Dale Doback: (as they are called back into the office for their first interview) We're here to fuck shit up!
  • (Dale and Brennan are in beds next to each other) Dale Doback: (whispering) Hey, you awake? Brennan Huff: (also whispering) Yeah. Dale Doback: I just want you to know I hate you. And so does my dad. Brennan Huff: Well that's fine. Cause guess what? I hate you too. And this house sucks ass. Dale Doback: Well the only reason you're living here, is because me and my dad decided that your mom was really hot, and maybe we should just both bang her, and we'll put up with the retard in the meantime. Brennan Huff: Who's the retard? Dale Doback: You. Brennan Huff: (raising his voice) Hey ya'll don't say that! Dale Doback: Shut up! You'll wake up my dad and get me grounded. Brennan Huff: Just shut up! Dale Doback: You and your mom are hilbillies. This is a house of learned doctors. Brennan Huff: You're not a doctor... you're a big, fat, curly-headed fuck! Dale Doback: (Dale turns his face to Brennan) Oh yeah? Brennan Huff: (Brennan turns his face to Dale) Yeah. Dale Doback: I'm a curly-headed fuck? Brennan Huff: Yeah. You better not go to sleep, cause as soon as your eyes shut I'm gonna punch you square in the face. Dale Doback: I hope you stay still when you sleep, cause I'm gonna put a rat trap between your legs. Brennan Huff: I'm going to take a pillowcase, and fill it full of bars of soap, and beat the shit out of you. (Dale turns away from Brennan) Dale Doback: I want you out of my fucking house! Brennan Huff: No way Kimosabe. This is my house now.
  • Dale Doback: Is my dad upset about the stuff that happened? Nancy Huff: Robert was very upset, yes. He knows that you interviewed as a team. And he heard about the fart. Brennan Huff: Oh, he did? Nancy Huff: Yeah. You just couldn't hold it, or you...? Dale Doback: No. I thought it was gonna be silent. Brennan Huff: It was not silent. Dale Doback: It just kept going, and it made a sound. It was embarrassing. Brennan Huff: It got louder. It got louder.
  • Derek: So, what do we do now? Brennan Huff: We could hug? Derek: Yeah, you'd like that, you faggot!... I'm sorry, I'm new to this.
  • Dr. Robert Doback: (at his wedding ceremony) I would like to thank all of you... for being here with us on this fantastic, wonderful day! And I would like to raise my glass; Dale and I wanna welcome you to our home with open arms! Dale Doback: (abruptly gets up out of his chair and throws his plate, rolling his eyes) UGH! Get a room, Dad! Dr. Robert Doback: (as Dale walks out) Oh for chris- Dale!
  • Dale Doback: (both waking up from dreams on top of each other) Oh no, I'm late for school. Brennan Huff: I'll kiss you on the mouth, Kenny Rogers.
  • Nancy Huff: (During Christmas Dinner. Tiffany is 12) What about you Tiffany, what did you get for Christmas? Tiffany: I got this Mikimoto pearl necklace, but next year I'm gonna ask Santa for breast implants because I'm impatient with my body.
  • Derek: I am the VP of the biggest executive helicopter leasing company on the western seaboard. I haven't had a carb since 2004. Check these out. (Points to ab muscles) Derek: See these? See these boys? This is what I live with, every day. I lather this up with Kiehls in the shower. You want to touch this shit? Dale Doback: No. Derek: You want to touch these bad boys? Sorry, not gonna happen.
  • Dr. Robert Doback: (they start getting hot and heavy) My name is Robert, and I play racquetball. I collect coins. (breathes heavily) Dr. Robert Doback: Sweet Jesus! I love Korean food! Nancy Huff: (breathing heavily) I am Nancy Huff; I know how to make Tandoori Chicken. (continues undressing) Nancy Huff: I contribute to NPR every single year... (pause) Nancy Huff: ... and I love the movies of Rob Reiner! Pilates changed my life! (they continue making out while stripping off their clothes) Dr. Robert Doback: (they make out on the bed) I have a boat, and I wanna retire and sail around the world... Nancy Huff: Oh, I LOVE the sea! (they kiss and embrace each other) Dr. Robert Doback: And I drive a Mercedes and I have a 40-year-old son, Dale, who still lives at home! (pause) Nancy Huff: (rises from the bed and looks down at him, shocked) What did you *just* say? Dr. Robert Doback: (sulks) Oh! I knew I shouldn't have told you that! Nancy Huff: I have a 39-year-old son named Brennan- who still lives at home with me! (they begin to have sex)
  • Dale Doback: Hey, can I ask you something? Brennan Huff: Yeah. Dale Doback: You know back when you first moved in? Brennan Huff: Yeah. Dale Doback: Did you touch my drumset? Brennan Huff: No, I didn't. Dale Doback: No, really, I won't get mad I just want to know. Brennan Huff: No I know. You said you wouldn't get mad. I'm just telling you I didn't do it. I didn't do it. I never did it. Dale Doback: Well then I owe you an apology. Brennan Huff: No, you don't, at all. No. Dale Doback: Why would you take an apology if you didn't do it? Brennan Huff: Because I'm cool. It doesn't matter
  • Brennan Huff: Your drumsets a whore! I tea bagged your drumset! Dale Doback: My drumsets a guy so it makes you gay you fucker!
  • Male Therapist: So, Dale. I don't know how much you know about therapy, but it usually starts by you telling me a little something about yourself. Dale Doback: I work at a college as a janitor even though I feel like I'm smarter than most of the people who go there. Sometimes I see an equation written on a blackboard like half an equation and... I just figure it out. Male Therapist: Is this Good Will Hunting? Dale Doback: No. Male Therapist: It sounds a lot like the plot of Good Will Hunting. Dale Doback: Yeah, anyway. My best friend is Ben Affleck...
  • Dr. Robert Doback: You have one month to find jobs or you're out on your asses. I will arrange interviews for Monday and you will go! Dale Doback: Dad, why are you talking to me like this? I'm your son. Dr. Robert Doback: I'm not buying that crap anymore!
  • Brennan Huff: (in his therapist's fantasy) I've traveled five hundred miles to give my seed.
  • Dale Doback: On the count of three, name your favorite dinosaur. Don't even think about it. Just name it. Ready? One, two, three. Dale Doback, Brennan Huff: Velociraptor. Brennan Huff: Favorite non-pornographic magazine to masturbate to. Dale Doback, Brennan Huff: Good Housekeeping. Brennan Huff: If you were a chick, who's the one guy you'd sleep with? Dale Doback, Brennan Huff: John Stamos. Dale Doback: (stomps foot) What? Brennan Huff: Did we just become best friends? Dale Doback: Yep! (they high five each other) Brennan Huff: Do you wanna do karate in the garage? Dale Doback: Yep!
  • Brennan Huff: I swear, I'm so pissed off at my mom. As soon as she's of age, I'm putting her in a home.
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