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  • (SpongeBob appears on the horizon) Sandy Cheeks: Here, Patrick. Have a Krabby Patty. (whispers) Sandy Cheeks: Psst. There he is Patrick, say your line. Patrick: (picks up paper) Why thank you, Sandy. Take Patty. Too bad SpongeBob isn't here to enjoy this. These are his favorite. (on the verge of tears) Patrick: Take bite.
  • Plankton: That naive cube.
  • repeated line] SpongeBob SquarePants: I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready.
  • SpongeBob SquarePants: There it is. The finest eating establishment ever established for eating. The Krusty Krab, home of the Krabby Patty, with the Help Wanted sign on the front. I've waited years for this moment. I'm gonna go in there, march straight up to the manager, look at him straight in the eye, lay it on the line, and - I can't do it! (turns away, but is stopped by Patrick) SpongeBob SquarePants: Patrick! Patrick: Where do you think you're going? SpongeBob SquarePants: I was just... Patrick: No, you're not. You go in there and get that job. SpongeBob SquarePants: No, I can't! Don't you see? Patrick: Who's first words were "May I take your order?" SpongeBob SquarePants: Mine were. Patrick: Who made a spatula out of toothpicks in shop class? SpongeBob SquarePants: I did. Patrick: Who's a... who... Ungh... Who's a big, yellow cube with holes? SpongeBob SquarePants: I am! Patrick: Who's ready? SpongeBob SquarePants: I'm ready! Patrick: Who's ready? SpongeBob SquarePants: I'm ready! Patrick: Who's ready? SpongeBob SquarePants: *I'm ready!*
  • Mr. Krabs: Attention all employees! Just giving you a heads-up. I'll be conducting a surprise uniform inspection in one hour. Whoever doesn't pass gets the boot. (Pulls out a boot) Mr. Krabs: This boot to be exact. It's very stinky, and you have to wear it all day.
  • SpongeBob SquarePants: I'm sick, Patrick. I'm going to the doctor. Patrick: What? Oh no, you can't go! SpongeBob SquarePants: Why not? Patrick: I know a guy who knows a guy who went to the doctor, and the doctor's office is a horrible, horrible place. SpongeBob SquarePants: It can't be as horrible as the suds. (Sneezes) Patrick: Oh, it is, SpongeBob. First, they make you sit in a... waiting room! SpongeBob SquarePants: Is that the horrible part? Patrick: No, it gets worse. They make you read... old magazines! (SpongeBob shrieks) Patrick: Then the doctor pulls out his stethoscope. SpongeBob SquarePants: No! Patrick: Yes! It's a device so sinister, so icy cold when it touches your bare flesh that... Pssh! SpongeBob SquarePants: Aaah! No doctor! No stethoscope! No magazines! No Pssh! Patrick, I don't want to go to the doctor. Patrick: Exactly.
  • Patrick: (talking to a fire hydrant) Are you Squidward? (silence) Patrick: (to the fire hydrant) That's okay, take your time.
  • SpongeBob SquarePants: Oh, tartar sauce.
  • SpongeBob SquarePants: Hey, everybody! Not ripped pants... (Rips out pants) SpongeBob SquarePants: Pants ripped off. Someone call the police, there's a pants thief on the loose.
  • Computer: Plankton: 1% Evil, 99% Hot Gas.
  • (repeated line) Mermaid Man: EVIL!
  • Plankton: Well, this stinks.
  • Mr. Krabs: (Attempting to convince SpongeBob to give him a hat) I didn't want to tell you this in front of Patrick, but that hat makes you look like a girl. SpongeBob SquarePants: Am I a pretty girl? Mr. Krabs: Well... yes, you're... you're beautiful. (Mailman passing by stares at Mr. Krabs in disgust)
  • Patrick: The inner machinations of my mind are an enigma (thought bubble for Patrick shows a carton of milk tipping over and spilling)
  • (Talking about the advantages of being felons) SpongeBob SquarePants: And you get to talk tough. (gruff voice) SpongeBob SquarePants: This town ain't big enough for the two of us. Patrick: Let me try. Uh... hey, punk.
  • Squidward: (To Krabs. ) Why don't you go and ask Cowbob Ranchpants and his friend sir Eat-a-lot. Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob. What's with all the nicknames?
  • Squidward: SpongeBob is the only guy I know who can have fun with a jellyfish, (shouting) Squidward: for twelve hours!
  • (SpongeBob has a jellyfish on a leash) SpongeBob SquarePants: Hey, Squidward. Meet my new pet. Squidward: That's no pet. That's a wild animal. SpongeBob SquarePants: No he isn't. He can do tricks. (Throwing a stick) SpongeBob SquarePants: Fetch! (Jellyfish fetches stick) SpongeBob SquarePants: (holding up three fingers) How many fingers am I holding up? (Jellyfish buzzes three times) SpongeBob SquarePants: Play dead! (Jellyfish is buried under a tombstone, then comes out) Squidward: I wouldn't let that thing in my house even if it was potty-trained. (Jellyfish is sitting on a toilet, reading the newspaper and humming) Squidward: I didn't need to see that.
  • Patrick: Heart on stick - must die!
  • Fish: Meep
  • Squidward: Years ago, at this very restaurant, the hatch-slinging slasher used to be a frycook, just like you. Only clumsier! And then, one night, when he was cutting the patties, it happened... SpongeBob: He forgot the secret sauce? Squidward: No. SpongeBob: He didn't wash his hands? Squidward: No! SpongeBob: Irregular portions? Squidward: NO! He cut off his own hand! By mistake! SpongeBob: You mean like this? (At every 'this', SpongeBob removes his arm and a new one grows back) SpongeBob: Or like this? Or this? Or this? But what about this? Or this? Or this? Or this? Squidward: Except he wasn't a sponge! SpongeBob: So? Squidward: So it didn't grow back! SpongeBob: OH NO! Squidward: And he replaced his hand... with a rusty spatula. And then... he got hit by a bus! And, as funeral, they fired him! So now... every... What day is it? SpongeBob: Tuesday. Squidward: Tuesday night! His ghost returns to the Krusty Krab to wreak his horrible vengeance!
  • (Squidward speaks unintelligable words) SpongeBob SquarePants: Squidward, we already played Babble Like an Idiot. Squidward: Why are you still here? SpongeBob SquarePants: Well, since we finished everything on the list, I thought I'd make a new one. I've already filled this book with ideas. We should be able to finish by January Squidward: Forget the book! I spent the whole day with you, doing all kinds of ridiculous things, because you were SUPPOSED TO EXPLODE! SpongeBob SquarePants: Why would I do that? Squidward: Because the pie you ate was a bomb! SpongeBob SquarePants: What pie? Squidward: The one I left sitting on the counter this morning! That I bought from the pirates for 25 bucks, and I didn't know it was a bomb. That pie! SpongeBob SquarePants: A pie? Oh, you mean this pie. I was saving it in my pocket for us to share. (trips) SpongeBob SquarePants: Oops. (pie lands on Squidward's face and causes big explosion) Squidward: Ouch.
  • SpongeBob SquarePants: I guess Grampa SquarePants was right: Never run for a bus... (Imitates Grampa SquarePants) SpongeBob SquarePants: ... especially one that's going up at a 90 degree angle.
  • (Looking for Squidward in a crowd of squids) SpongeBob SquarePants: Are you Squidward? Squid #1: No. SpongeBob SquarePants: Are you Squidward? Squid #2: No. Patrick: (to a fire hydrant) Are you Squidward? (silence) Patrick: It's okay. Take your time.
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