Tim Meadows: Did he say anything about people getting hurt? Lorne Michaels: He said something after the ratings thing, but I really wasn't listening.
(repeated line) Stuart Smalley: ...because I'm good enough, smart enough, and - doggone it - people like me!
Church Lady: (interviewing Anne Heche) So, Anne; you call yourself "bisexual". I guess that means that when you reach your little hand down the front of someone's pants, you're happy with whate-e-ver you find.
Host: Good evening. I'm Lawrence Flyshacker, and welcome to, "The Real Story." Tonight we continue our series on the U.S. Presidents. You know history often whitewashes itself? For example, for years it was thought that Thomas Jefferson was a man, and that his wife slept around... whereas we now know the opposite to be true. Tonight we'll go behind another of history's myths to learn, "The Real Story." Abraham Lincoln: (Lincoln enters Ford's Theatre box, loudly and apparently drunk) Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me! Excuse me. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh. (plops into his seat) Abraham Lincoln: Sorry I'm late, guys, but I was freeing some Negroes! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! General: That's perfectly all right, Mr. President. Abraham Lincoln: (Throwing his arm around his wife's shoulders) Hey, hey, hey, is this a First Lady or WHAT, huh? I just hope I'm her first man! Mary Lincoln: Abraham, please, the play! Abraham Lincoln: Oh, I've seen it five times, Mary... Theatre patron: Yeah, well, some of US haven't! Abraham Lincoln: (stands up and jeers him) Oh, well, hey, pardon me, pal, huh? What am I, just the President of the United STATES! Abraham Lincoln: (loudly eating a candy bar; audience shushes him) SORRY! Oh, hey, I love this part! I love this. Watch this. Listen to how she tells this jerk off. Watch this. Abraham Lincoln: (calls toward the stage) Hey, hey! You tell him, honey! YEAH! WHOOOOO! (sits back down) Abraham Lincoln: Some people, they just don't know how to enjoy theatre. Theatre patron: Hey, quiet down, will ya? Abraham Lincoln: (stands up) Hey, stick it here, pal! (knocks drink and popcorn off balcony) Abraham Lincoln: Whoa! Theatre patron: Watch it! Abraham Lincoln: Hey, I'm sorry, pal! Look, send me your cleaning bill! To my GETTYSBURG ADDRESS! Ah, ha ha ha ha! General: Mr. President, Mr. President, I understand that the young woman taking the role of Sarah tonight is the talk of Washington. Abraham Lincoln: Oh, yeah? (looks through opera glasses) Abraham Lincoln: WHOA, YEAH! Hey, I thought mine eyes had seen the glory, but get a load of that babe! (stands up and waves toward stage) Abraham Lincoln: Hey, hey, hey, angelpuss! Whooo, whoo, whoo! Up here, huh? Theatre patron: (Confederate accent) Will you shut up, suh? Abraham Lincoln: (stands up) Hey, hey, you gonna do something about it? Theatre patron: I may, suh! Abraham Lincoln: Yeah, you and what Confederate Army, cracker-barrel? Theatre patron: I warned you, suh! Abraham Lincoln: (losing temper) Yeah, well, why don't you come up here and do somethin'? What, what are you gonna do, shoot me, pal, huh? Host: And the rest is history. Please join us next week on "The Real Story" for "Hiroshima: Insurance Fraud of the Century".
Joe Piscopo: Good evening. I'm Joe Piscopo. This year marks the 20th anniversary of the death of President John F. Kennedy. We've brought together these three people to share with us their members of the day they learned that President Kennedy had been shot. Jim, let's start with you. What were you doing when you heard President Kennedy had been shot? James Belushi: Well, I was in college and I was walking across the quad to call and this guy runs up and says 'President Kennedy has been shot', so I... Joe Piscopo: Wait; how old are you? James Belushi: I'm 26. So anyway, I went looking for a TV and... Joe Piscopo: Wait a minute. You're telling us you were in college at age 6? James Belushi: No, I was 19. Anyway... Joe Piscopo: WAit a minute! You didn't know President Kennedy had been shot until eight years ago? James Belushi: Well, hey now; you know, I was busy with school and girls and playing sports and stuff and I really wasn't into current events. Joe Piscopo: I can't believe this. Mary, when did you find out President Kennedy had been shot? Mary Gross: Well, Joe; in light of what just happened, I'm ashamed to admit that Jim told me right before the show started. James Belushi: (Chuckling) What a dork, eh Joe? Joe Piscopo: I can't believe this! This was one of the most important events of the 20th century and you people are totally clueless! Tim Kazurinsky: (shocked) Wait a minute! President Kennedy is dead? How? When? Joe Piscopo: Yes! My God, He was shot in Dallas! Tim Kazurinsky: Oh, no! No! Please, No! (Begins crying uncontrollably and hanging onto the other guests) Tim Kazurinsky: President Kennedy is dead! Joe Piscopo: (shaking his head) This is Joe Piscopo; good night.
Jimmy Fallon: Folks, we got our intern Sanji joining us. Now Sanji loved your movie. What do you think, Sanji? (In Indian accent) Jimmy Fallon: Ra da da da da da da da da da. Oh my God, I loved New York Minute. I love it, my favorite movie. Ashley Olsen: Thank you, Sanji. Jimmy Fallon: (as Radio DJ) No wait a minute. Sanji, you actually liked the movie? (as Sanji) Jimmy Fallon: Oh yes. New York Minute, a very good movie. Ra da da da da da da da. (In black accent) Jimmy Fallon: Yo, Sanji, hold up. (In regular voice) Jimmy Fallon: Uh oh, Tyrone Washington, our weather guy is just joining us. (as Tyrone) Jimmy Fallon: Yo, Sanji, the only reason why your Arab ass liked that movie is because it was set in New York and it was a bomb. (as himself) Jimmy Fallon: Now Tyrone, come on man, that was below the line. (as Sanji) Jimmy Fallon: You son of a bitch, I am not an Arab. I told you this many times. (as Tyone) Jimmy Fallon: Oh yeah then why do you got a turbin on your head? (as Sanji) Jimmy Fallon: I told you I am a sheik. Why do you wear that Mets jersey? You play for the freaking Mets? (as another man) Jimmy Fallon: I think Sanji's gonna blow up the place, y'all. (as Tyrone) Jimmy Fallon: I will kill you! (as Sanji) Jimmy Fallon: I don't know what to do. Ra da da da da da da. (as himself) Jimmy Fallon: Hey guys, guys, guys. Calm down. Calm down.
Sean Connery: Knock, knock. Alex Trebek: Who's there? Sean Connery: Me, the guy who slept with your mother last night!
Kevin Nealon: In health news, scientists have announced the invention of a women's condom. The condom works by fitting snugly over a woman's wine glass.
Mrs. T.: (Commercial for Mr. and Mrs. T Bloody Mary Mix) (shouting) Mrs. T.: 'scuse me! It's me and my husband, Mr. T for Mr. and Mrs. T Bloody Mary Mix!I pity the fool how doesn't use it! I'll kill him to death, but I'll pity him first! Mr. T.: I pity the foo'! Mrs. T.: First, take some vodka! Then add Mr. and Mrs. T Bloody Mary Mix! Then drink it! That's bad! Grrrr! So get Mr. and Mrs. T's Bloody Mary Mix! Mr. T.: Buy it or I'll kill ya!
Tina Fey: In other news, Courtney Love took out a restraining order against an alleged stalker this week. Courtney, please, I know we can work it out if you'll give me a chance, please (blows a kiss)
(about the 1997 Marlins-Indians World Series) Norm Macdonald: Well, you've said a lot about the mascots, Harry, but what about the players? Harry Caray: They won't be a factor, Norm. Trust me.
Norm Macdonald: Who are safer drivers? Men or women? Well, according to a new survey, 55% of adults feel that women are most responsible for minor fenderbenders, while 78% blame men for most fatal crashes. Please note that the percentages in these pie graphs do not add up to 100% because the math was done by a woman. (audience laughs or hisses) Norm Macdonald: For those of you hissing at that joke, it should be uh noted that that joke was written by a woman. So, now you don't know what the hell to do, do ya? Nah, I'm just kidding. We don't hire women.
Jimmy Fallon: (as radio DJ) ... and we're back!
("Weekend Update" opening line) Chevy Chase: Good evening. I'm Chevy Chase, and you're not.
Dennis Miller: (after Jon Lovitz returns to the "Weekend Update" desk to lick his face) Licked by Lovitz... what concentric circle of hell is that?
(repeated line) The Continental: Wow. Wowee wow wow wow.
Wayne Campbell: Wayne's World. Wayne's World. Party time. Excellent.
Norm Macdonald: Actor Christian Slater was let out of prison for one night to attend the premiere of his new movie Hard Rain. Fifteen minutes into the film, Mr. Slater asked to be escorted back to prison.
("Weekend Update" closing line) Colin Quinn: That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.
Jackie Rogers Jr.: This is the most effective memory enhancement drug on the market. It'll improve your short-term memory. It'll improve your long-term memory. And most of all, it'll improve your short-term memory.
Norm Macdonald: The Rolling Stones reunited for a twenty-fifth anniversary tour last week. Keith Richards said that he's happy to continue to do what he's been doing for the past twenty-five years: cheating death.
George H.W. Bush: (talking about George W. Bush) You always were a little bit slow. The doctors call it dyslexia. But when you were younger we just called it retardation...
(on the new TV ratings system affecting SNL) Lorne Michaels: There was a time where I would have condemned this ratings system as censorship. But I have children. Two adorable boys. And frankly, I don't want them watching this crap.
("Weekend Update" opening) Norm MacDonald: Good evening, this is the fake news.