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  • "You can't stay mad at somebody who makes you laugh." - Jay Leno
  • Bush reiterated his stand to conservatives opposing his decision on stem cell research. He said today he believes life begins at conception and ends at execution.
  • Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.
  • The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.
  • President Bush is taking the entire month of August off. Bush said today he thinks it is important for a president to spend time away from Washington. Or at least that's what Dick Cheney told him.
  • Bush said today he is being stalked. He said wherever he goes, people are following him. Finally, someone told him, 'Psst. That's the Secret Service.'
  • The best way to ruin a comedy is to throw a lot of money at it.
  • The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.
  • They always say the Miss America Pageant isn't a beauty contest, it's really a scholarship program. If that's the case, why don't we just put all the contestants on "Jeopardy!" (1984) and pick Miss America that way? At least you get the smartest one.
  • You cannot be mad at somebody who makes you laugh...it's as simple as that. Woman's World (7-4-06)
  • The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.
  • The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.
  • If God had wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.
  • You aren't famous until my mother has heard of you.
  • It is said that life begins when the fetus can exist apart from its mother. By this definition, many people in Hollywood are legally dead.
  • I think high self-esteem is overrated. A little low self-esteem is actually quite good'¬¶Maybe you're not the best, so you should work a little harder.
  • Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime. Teach a man to create an artificial shortage of fish and he will eat steak.
  • Go through your phone book, call people and ask them to drive you to the airport. The ones who will drive you are your true friends. The rest aren't bad people; they're just acquaintances.
  • Looks like Darva 'Who Wants to Marry a Multi-Millionaire?' Conger will pose naked in 'Playboy' Magazine. She says the photos will be tastefully done. And who else knows more about taste than a woman who marries a man she just met on Fox? (From "The Tonight Show with Jay Leno" (1992), May 8, 2000)
  • (On the steering for his jet-powered motorcycle) "It's kinda like square-dancing with a fat lady: the fact that she does it at all is pretty amazing."
  • I saw something stupid in the paper today - a new alarm clock that makes no noise. It's for people who don't like loud noises. Instead, it slowly hits you with light and gets brighter and brighter until you wake up. I already have one of those...it's called a window. (From "The Tonight Show with Jay Leno" (1992), February 14, 2001)
  • During the infamous O.J. Simpson murder trial: "Actor wannabe Kato Kaelin is very excited about this trial. It's the first call-back he's had in two years. 'Oh, a part! A part! I got another part!'"
  • My dad's idea of a good time is to go to Sears and walk around.
  • President James Garfield could write in Latin with one hand while writing in Greek with the other. I would give my right arm to be ambidextrous. (From "The Tonight Show with Jay Leno" (1992), March 9, 2001)
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