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  • Chief Monk: Torquemada - do not beg him for mercy. Torquemada - do not ask him for forgiveness. Let's face it - you can't Torquemada anything!
  • Miriam: We've got to get out of Rome!
    Josephus: But how? The streets are crawling with soldiers! See?
    (they look down and see soldiers crawling, literally, across the street)
  • King Louis XVI: Ah, the Count Da Money!
    Count de Monet: It's "De Mon... "
    King Louis XVI: DON'T correct me!
  • Empress Nympho: (to her litter bearers) Could you *please* step on the same foot at the same time! My tits are falling off!
  • Empress Nympho: Virgins, put on your "no entry" signs! We are about to confront... guys!
  • Stoned Soldier: Do you care if it falls?
    Stoned Soldier: What?
    Stoned Soldier: The Roman Empire?
    Stoned Soldier: (laughs) Fuck it!
  • Oedipus: (walking around collecting donations) Give to Oedipus! Give to Oedipus! Hey, Josephus!
    Josephus: Hey, motherfucker!
  • Dole Office Clerk: Occupation?
    Comicus: Stand-up philosopher.
    Dole Office Clerk: What?
    Comicus: Stand-up philosopher. I coalesce the vapors of human experience into a viable and meaningful comprehension.
    Dole Office Clerk: Oh, a *bullshit* artist!
    Comicus: *Grumble*...
    Dole Office Clerk: Did you bullshit last week?
    Comicus: No.
    Dole Office Clerk: Did you *try* to bullshit last week?
    Comicus: Yes!
  • Count de Monet: It is said that the people are revolting.
    King Louis XVI: You said it! They stink on ice!
  • Madame DeFarge: We, the people of France...
    Fellow Revolutionist: Fraunce.
    Madame DeFarge: Fraunce...
  • Marcus Vindictus: Don't you know your right flank from your left flank?
    Captain Mucus: I'm sorry sir, I flunked flank.
    Marcus Vindictus: You flunked flank? Get the flunk out of here!
  • Marcus Vindictus: Oh Nympho, I would do anything to gain your favor. How can I catch you? How can ensnare you? What bait must I use to catch your love? I am your servant!
    Empress Nympho: Ah, but the servant waits, while the *master* baits!
  • Mademoiselle Rimbaud: Your Majesty! I was raised in a convent. I don't indulge in pleasures of the flesh.
    King Louis XVI: You don't put out, he don't get out.
    Mademoiselle Rimbaud: Your Majesty, I simply don't do it.
    King Louis XVI: Come on, you do it. You love to do it. We all do it. You do it...
    Mademoiselle Rimbaud: No, I don't!
    King Louis XVI: I do it, I love to do it. I just did it and I'm ready to do it again, don't tell me you don't do it!
  • Roman Officer: Seize him!
    Josephus: (grabs crotch) Seize *this*, honkus!
  • (hawking in the Forum)
    Column Salesman: Columns, columns! Get your columns here! Ionic, Doric, Corinthian! Put a few columns in front, turn any hovel into a showplace! Columns...! Sir, don't touch the merchandise! All right now, columns, columns!
  • Jew #2: I was sitting in a temple / I was minding my own business / I was listening to a lovely Hebrew mass / Then these papist persons plunge in / And they throw me in the dungeon / And they shove a red-hot poker up my ass / Is that considerate? / Is that polite? / And not a tube of Preparation-H in sight!
  • Empress Nympho: Say Bob, do I have any openings that this man might fit?
    Crowd: Whooooaaaaaaa!
    Bob: Well, we could use another wine steward.
    Josephus: I got a great corkscrew!
    Crowd: Whoooaaaaaaa!
    Josephus: Damn, this a hip crowd!
  • Madame DeFarge: We are so poor, we do not even have a language! Just this stupid accent!
    Fellow Revolutionist: She's right, she's right! We all talk like Maurice Chevalier!
    (impersonates the Chevalier laugh)
    Fellow Revolutionist: Au-haw-haw.
    Crowd: Au-haw-haw.
  • Marcus Vindictus: Oh, Caesar. I've spread civilization to the farthest reaches of the Empire! I've conquered and subdued the barbaric hordes in the name of Rome! I've penetrated into the farthest...
    Emperor Nero: What's under the sheet?
    Marcus Vindictus: Sheet?
    Emperor Nero: SHEET!
    Marcus Vindictus: Oh! Oh, the sheet! Yes, to begin with, Number One, a beautiful, hand-carved, alabaster...
    (whips off the sheet)
    Marcus Vindictus: Bathing basin!
    Emperor Nero: Nice. Nice. Not thrilling, but nice.
  • Auctioneer: What country are you from?
    Josephus: Ethiopia.
    Auctioneer: What part?
    Josephus: 125th Street!
  • (Comicus escapes by kicking Marcus in the groin)
    Captain Mucus: Commander, what happened? Where are they?
    Marcus Vindictus: (high-pitched voice) Get the horses! Get the chariots! Get the men!
    Captain Mucus: Onward!
    (the soldiers start to run, but Marcus stops him)
    Marcus Vindictus: Get me an ice pack! Hurry!
  • (while Josephus is hiding among the eunuchs, Caladonia dances erotically in front of them to test them)
    Marcus Vindictus: He's a eunuch.
    Captain Mucus: Mmm-hmm.
    (she moves to another one, dancing harder)
    Marcus Vindictus: *He's* a eunuch.
    Captain Mucus: Mmm-hmm.
    (she moves to a third one, dancing even harder)
    Marcus Vindictus: He's *dead!*
    Captain Mucus: Hmm.
  • Chemist: What are you looking for?
    Marcus Vindictus: A pack of Trojans!
    Chemist: Gee, I just ran out!
  • Jew #1: I was sittin' flickin' chickens / And I'm looking through the pickins' / When suddenly these goys break down my walls / I didn't even know them / And they grab me by the scrotum / And they started playing ping-pong with my balls / Oy the agony / Oh the shame / To make your privates public for a game!
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