Chief Monk: Torquemada - do not beg him for mercy. Torquemada - do not ask him for forgiveness. Let's face it - you can't Torquemada anything!
Miriam: We've got to get out of Rome! Josephus: But how? The streets are crawling with soldiers! See? (they look down and see soldiers crawling, literally, across the street)
King Louis XVI: Ah, the Count Da Money! Count de Monet: It's "De Mon... " King Louis XVI: DON'T correct me!
Empress Nympho: (to her litter bearers) Could you *please* step on the same foot at the same time! My tits are falling off!
Empress Nympho: Virgins, put on your "no entry" signs! We are about to confront... guys!
Stoned Soldier: Do you care if it falls? Stoned Soldier: What? Stoned Soldier: The Roman Empire? Stoned Soldier: (laughs) Fuck it!
Oedipus: (walking around collecting donations) Give to Oedipus! Give to Oedipus! Hey, Josephus! Josephus: Hey, motherfucker!
Dole Office Clerk: Occupation? Comicus: Stand-up philosopher. Dole Office Clerk: What? Comicus: Stand-up philosopher. I coalesce the vapors of human experience into a viable and meaningful comprehension. Dole Office Clerk: Oh, a *bullshit* artist! Comicus: *Grumble*... Dole Office Clerk: Did you bullshit last week? Comicus: No. Dole Office Clerk: Did you *try* to bullshit last week? Comicus: Yes!
Count de Monet: It is said that the people are revolting. King Louis XVI: You said it! They stink on ice!
Madame DeFarge: We, the people of France... Fellow Revolutionist: Fraunce. Madame DeFarge: Fraunce...
Marcus Vindictus: Don't you know your right flank from your left flank? Captain Mucus: I'm sorry sir, I flunked flank. Marcus Vindictus: You flunked flank? Get the flunk out of here!
Marcus Vindictus: Oh Nympho, I would do anything to gain your favor. How can I catch you? How can ensnare you? What bait must I use to catch your love? I am your servant! Empress Nympho: Ah, but the servant waits, while the *master* baits!
Mademoiselle Rimbaud: Your Majesty! I was raised in a convent. I don't indulge in pleasures of the flesh. King Louis XVI: You don't put out, he don't get out. Mademoiselle Rimbaud: Your Majesty, I simply don't do it. King Louis XVI: Come on, you do it. You love to do it. We all do it. You do it... Mademoiselle Rimbaud: No, I don't! King Louis XVI: I do it, I love to do it. I just did it and I'm ready to do it again, don't tell me you don't do it!
Roman Officer: Seize him! Josephus: (grabs crotch) Seize *this*, honkus!
(hawking in the Forum) Column Salesman: Columns, columns! Get your columns here! Ionic, Doric, Corinthian! Put a few columns in front, turn any hovel into a showplace! Columns...! Sir, don't touch the merchandise! All right now, columns, columns!
Jew #2: I was sitting in a temple / I was minding my own business / I was listening to a lovely Hebrew mass / Then these papist persons plunge in / And they throw me in the dungeon / And they shove a red-hot poker up my ass / Is that considerate? / Is that polite? / And not a tube of Preparation-H in sight!
Empress Nympho: Say Bob, do I have any openings that this man might fit? Crowd: Whooooaaaaaaa! Bob: Well, we could use another wine steward. Josephus: I got a great corkscrew! Crowd: Whoooaaaaaaa! Josephus: Damn, this a hip crowd!
Madame DeFarge: We are so poor, we do not even have a language! Just this stupid accent! Fellow Revolutionist: She's right, she's right! We all talk like Maurice Chevalier! (impersonates the Chevalier laugh) Fellow Revolutionist: Au-haw-haw. Crowd: Au-haw-haw.
Marcus Vindictus: Oh, Caesar. I've spread civilization to the farthest reaches of the Empire! I've conquered and subdued the barbaric hordes in the name of Rome! I've penetrated into the farthest... Emperor Nero: What's under the sheet? Marcus Vindictus: Sheet? Emperor Nero: SHEET! Marcus Vindictus: Oh! Oh, the sheet! Yes, to begin with, Number One, a beautiful, hand-carved, alabaster... (whips off the sheet) Marcus Vindictus: Bathing basin! Emperor Nero: Nice. Nice. Not thrilling, but nice.
Auctioneer: What country are you from? Josephus: Ethiopia. Auctioneer: What part? Josephus: 125th Street!
(Comicus escapes by kicking Marcus in the groin) Captain Mucus: Commander, what happened? Where are they? Marcus Vindictus: (high-pitched voice) Get the horses! Get the chariots! Get the men! Captain Mucus: Onward! (the soldiers start to run, but Marcus stops him) Marcus Vindictus: Get me an ice pack! Hurry!
(while Josephus is hiding among the eunuchs, Caladonia dances erotically in front of them to test them) Marcus Vindictus: He's a eunuch. Captain Mucus: Mmm-hmm. (she moves to another one, dancing harder) Marcus Vindictus: *He's* a eunuch. Captain Mucus: Mmm-hmm. (she moves to a third one, dancing even harder) Marcus Vindictus: He's *dead!* Captain Mucus: Hmm.
Chemist: What are you looking for? Marcus Vindictus: A pack of Trojans! Chemist: Gee, I just ran out!
Jew #1: I was sittin' flickin' chickens / And I'm looking through the pickins' / When suddenly these goys break down my walls / I didn't even know them / And they grab me by the scrotum / And they started playing ping-pong with my balls / Oy the agony / Oh the shame / To make your privates public for a game!