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  • Laura: No cussing in your standup. George Simmons: That takes out half of my act.
  • George Simmons: I can give you my fax number and my e-mail. What's your e-mail? Ira Wright: My e-mail? It's... uh... irasexira@yahoo.com. George Simmons: Uh, Wow. I'm just... I'm starting to reconsider asking you. Ira Wright: Don't do that. It's from high school. It was funny then. George Simmons: Yeah, you should change it. Ira Wright: It's, like, 13 years old. Okay, I will. George Simmons: I mean change it now. Ira Wright: Okay, I'll change it, I'll change it ASAP. George Simmons: Okay, don't say "ASAP," either. And don't say "I'm chilling" or "It's all good" or any of that stuff. Ira Wright: Okay, I don't. I don't chill anyway, so I won't. And it's not all good, so don't worry.
  • Tom Anderson: Now, do you actually use MySpace? George Simmons: No, I fuck girls, Tom. I don't have time for that.
  • George Simmons: (sung) Fuck George Simmons. He has a medium-sized penis. He fucked so many girls and yet no one remembers. When he's done fucking them, the girl just lays there and says "I should have fucked Jean-Claude Van Damme instead of you."
  • George Simmons: You wanna fuck these girls? James Taylor: I filled my quota in 1982, I believe.
  • George Simmons: Am I not allowed to be happy or something? I've been living alone and alone and alone. That's my life. This is the only girl I've ever loved and I'm not supposed to do anything about this? When am I supposed to be happy? Why does everyone else get to be happy? Ira Wright: Look, George, I'm just gonna tell you this, as a friend. From where I'm sitting it seems like your happiness might be coming at the cost of destroying this family.
  • George Simmons: I know you want the Mer-Man poster. Ira Wright: I liked Mer-Man. George Simmons: Five year olds like Mer-Man. Ira Wright: I thought it was genius.
  • Ira Wright: I can't believe you slept with her. Mark: I gave you an extra 11 days. Daisy: (Joining in the conversation) What are you guys talking about? Ira Wright: Nothing, don't worry about it. Stupid guy stuff.
  • Dr. Lars: It's too early to know who's winning the fight: the medicine or the disease. George Simmons: Did anybody ever tell you, you have a very scary accent? Dr. Lars: You are a very funny man. I enjoy your movies. George Simmons: And I enjoy all of your movies. Dr. Lars: (surprised) Which movies? George Simmons: The ones where you try to kill Bruce Willis.
  • George Simmons: So, Ira Wright? That's not your real name. You're hiding some Judaism. Ira Wright: I don't think I can hide that. My face is circumcised.
  • Mark: When my grandfather died, there was one candle next to his bed. And the candle started flickering. We all thought it was him going to Heaven, you know? Leo: You don't pass through fire to get to Heaven. I think he went to Hell.
  • Clarke: Have you worked with Cameron Diaz? That girl is hot, isn't she? Fuck! (laughs, then looks at Laura) Clarke: What? She's on my free pass list. Who's on yours? Laura: George. Clarke: (points at George) This George? George Simmons: Look out. Laura: Yeah. Clarke: Oh, well, I'll just have Cameron then. On her surfboard.
  • George Simmons: Is your act just designed to make sure no girl will ever sleep with you again? All you fuckin' talk about is jacking off and farting. You think a girl's gonna come up to afterward and be like 'Oh, would you just jack off for me and then fart in my face?' That's fuckin' insane. Do you want to get laid, ever?
  • Mark: Don't put me in this position where I have to fuck my way out of a corner! Leo: He'll do it too. I've seen him.
  • James Taylor: Fuck Facebook!
  • George Simmons: Are you mad that you died at the end of Die Hard?
  • Laura: No cussing in your standup. George Simmons: That takes out half of my act.
  • Leo: If you put "cute kitten" in the title of your YouTube video, you're gonna get a million hits. And then I link that to my website and you can see my stand-up on my website. It's genius. Ira Wright: Why don't you just call it like, "Megan Fox Blows Someone"? And then more people would Google that.
  • Leo: You son of a bitch! Why didn't you tell me George Simmons wanted us to write jokes for him?
  • George Simmons: So I'm guessing your friend is the fat version of you.
  • Mark: I can't belive this, I'm opening up to you, and you're making fun of a serious moment in my life.
  • Leo: Go lose 20 more pounds, you son of a bitch!
  • George Simmons: I want you and your triple XL friend to write jokes for me.
  • Ingrid: I like the movie where you have a baby's body. George Simmons: So you like Re-Do.
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