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  • Mike Damone: I mean don't just walk in. You move across the room. And you don't talk to her. You use your face. You use your body. You use everything. That's what I do. I mean I just send out this vibe and I have personally found that women do respond. I mean, something happens. Mark Ratner: Well, naturally something happens. I mean, you put the vibe out to 30 million chicks, something is gonna happen. Mike Damone: That's the idea, Rat. That's the attitude. Mark Ratner: The attitude? Mike Damone: Yeah! The attitude dictates that you don't care whether she comes, stays, lays, or prays. I mean whatever happens, your toes are still tappin'. Now when you got that, then you have the attitude.
  • Mike Damone: Look at you: member of the honor roll, assistant to the assistant manager of the movie theater. I'm tellin' ya, Rat, if this girl can't smell your qualifications, then who needs her, right?
  • Jeff Spicoli: This is U.S. History, I see the globe right there.
  • Brad Hamilton: (dumping out cold fries) I shall serve no fries before their time.
  • Jeff Spicoli: Aloha, Mr. Hand.
  • Mr. Hand: Aloha. My name is Mr. Hand.
  • Jeff Spicoli: What Jefferson was saying was, Hey! You know, we left this England place 'cause it was bogus; so if we don't get some cool rules ourselves - pronto - we'll just be bogus too! Get it?
  • Mike Damone: I can see it all now, this is gonna be just like last summer. You fell in love with that girl at the Fotomat, you bought forty dollars worth of fuckin' film, and you never even talked to her. You don't even own a camera.
  • Mike Damone: You are a wuss: part wimp, and part pussy.
  • (the "five-point plan") Mike Damone: First of all Rat, you never let on how much you like a girl. "Oh, Debbie. Hi." Two, you always call the shots. "Kiss me. You won't regret it." Now three, act like wherever you are, that's the place to be. "Isn't this great?" Four, when ordering food, you find out what she wants, then order for the both of you. It's a classy move. "Now, the lady will have the linguini and white clam sauce, and a Coke with no ice." And five, now this is the most important, Rat. When it comes down to making out, whenever possible, put on side one of Led Zeppelin IV.
  • (Spicoli has had a pizza delivered to class) Mr. Hand: Am I hallucinating here? Just what in the hell do you think you're doing? Jeff Spicoli: Learning about Cuba, and having some food.
  • Brad Hamilton: Why don't you get a job Spicoli? Jeff Spicoli: What for? Brad Hamilton: You need money. Jeff Spicoli: All I need are some tasty waves, a cool buzz, and I'm fine.
  • Jeff Spicoli: (driving and stoned) People on 'ludes should not drive.
  • (after Spicoli wrecks Jefferson's car) Jefferson's Brother: My brother's gonna kill us! He's gonna kill us! He's gonna kill you and he's gonna kill me, he's gonna kill us! Jeff Spicoli: Hey man, just be glad I had fast reflexes! Jefferson's Brother: My brother's gonna shit! Jeff Spicoli: Make up your mind, dude, is he gonna shit or is he gonna kill us? Jefferson's Brother: First he's gonna shit, then he's gonna kill us! Jeff Spicoli: Relax, all right? My old man is a television repairman, he's got this ultimate set of tools. I can fix it.
  • Jeff Spicoli: No shirt, no shoes... Jeff and Stoner Buds: No dice! Ohhhh. Brad Hamilton: Right. Learn it. Know it. Live it. Jeff Spicoli: He's the full hot orator.
  • (Spicoli, talking on the phone, hits his head with a shoe) Jeff Spicoli: That was my skull! I'm so wasted!
  • Stacy Hamilton: When a guy has an orgasm, how much comes out? Linda Barrett: A quart or so.
  • Businessman: It says one hundred percent guaranteed, you moron! Brad Hamilton: Mister, if you don't shut up I'm gonna kick one hundred percent of your ass!
  • Mike Damone: I think I just came... didn't you feel it?
  • Curtis Spicoli: Dad says you have to get up Jeff Spicoli: LEAVE ME ALONE! Curtis Spicoli: Dad says you're gonna be late again you butthole! Jeff Spicoli: LEAVE ME ALONE! Curtis Spicoli: Dad says you're gonna be late again you booger!
  • Jeff Spicoli: Those guys are fags.
  • Stu Nahan: (Spicoli is dreaming that he's won a surfing competition) Hello everybody! I'm Stu Nahan, and I'd like you to meet this young man. His name, Jeff Spicoli. And Jeff, congratulations to you. Things looked kind of rough out there today. Jeff Spicoli: Well, I'll tell you Stu, I did battle some humongous waves! But you know, just like I told the guy on ABC, "Danger is my business!" Stu Nahan: You know, a lot of people expected maybe Mark "Cutback" Davis or Bob "Jungle Death" Gerrard would take the honors this year. Jeff Spicoli: (laughs incredulously) Those guys are fags! Stu Nahan: (oblivious) That's fantastic! Let me ask you a question. When you get out there, do you ever fear for your life? Jeff Spicoli: Well Stu I'll tell you, surfing's not a sport, it's a way of life, you know, a hobby. It's a way of looking at that wave and saying, "Hey bud, let's party!" (focuses on Stu's sport coat) Jeff Spicoli: Where'd you get this jacket? Stu Nahan: (evasive) I got this from the network. Let me ask you a question. What's next for Jeff Spicoli? Jeff Spicoli: Heading over to the Australian and Hawaiian internationals, and then me and Mick are going to wing on over to London and jam with the Stones! (to the two girls next to him) Jeff Spicoli: And you guys are invited too!
  • Jeff Spicoli: Hey, you're ripping my card. Mr. Hand: Yes. Jeff Spicoli: Hey bud, what's your problem? Mr. Hand: No problem at all. I think you know where the front office is. Jeff Spicoli: (stunned) You dick!
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