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  • Kieran: Sometimes I'll be working on a piece, and I'll think, "No, this is bullshit." So I will literally rub bull excrement on the piece as a metaphor.
  • Therman: Now tell us, Barry, why did your wife leave? Spit it out of your mouth. Say it. Say it, boy. Barry: I lost her clitoris! Robin: You lost her clitoris? Barry: She got mad because I couldn't find it, and I said 'It's probably in your purse,' because nine times out of 10 when she loses something, that's where they end up. Robin: Barry, do you even know what that is? Barry: I don't know what half the stuff in her purse is. Therman: Don't worry Barry. I found it. It was in her purse. It was in her naughty purse. Robin: Wow. Well thank God somebody found it, right? Barry: I thought I found it under the couch. Turns out it was just an old piece of chewing gum.
  • Darla: (seductively) I'm a naughty little schoolgirl... Barry: You look a little old to be a schoolgirl. Darla: I need to be punished. I cheated in class. Don't you want to be my school teacher? Barry: I'm really not qualified I work for the IRS. Darla: (winks) Not tonight... Barry: No, all the time. I work... Darla: Ok, ok! You work for the IRS and I have been very, very bad. I haven't paid my taxes and I need to be spanked, NOW! Barry: Well, that's really not the way it works, you probably just have to pay the difference, plus interest...
  • Barry: In the words of John Lennon, "you may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not." Tim: ...the only one. Barry: The only what? Tim: No, that's the lyric: "You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one." Barry: Oh, OK Tim.
  • Marco - Blind Swordsman: I love to paint. Davenport: Oh wow, are you any good? Marco - Blind Swordsman: I don't know.
  • Barry: Vincent Van Gogh. Everyone said to him, "You can't be a great painter, you only have one ear." And you know what he said? "I can't hear you."
  • Therman: I want you to say, "You can eat my pudding."
  • Darla: I'm a naughty schoolgirl! Barry: You look a little old to be a schoolgirl.
  • Julie: Kieran, You remember Tim?
    Kieran: (nods) ... the stock broker.
    Tim: No, no. I work for a private equity firm that specializes in distressed assets.
    Kieran: So, kind of a stock broker.
    Tim: Almost nothing like a stock broker.
  • Darla: (seductively) I'm a naughty little schoolgirl...
    Barry: You look a little old to be a schoolgirl.
    Darla: I need to be punished. I cheated in class. Don't you want to be my school teacher?
    Barry: I'm really not qualified I work for the IRS.
    Darla: (winks) Not tonight...
    Barry: No, all the time. I work...
    Darla: Ok, ok! You work for the IRS and I have been very, very bad. I haven't paid my taxes and I need to be spanked, NOW!
    Barry: Well, that's really not the way it works, you probably just have to pay the difference, plus interest...
  • Barry: So dare to dream. Dream your wildest dreams. You can climb the highest mountain. You can drown in a teacup, if you find a big enough teacup. And if somebody tells you that you can't do something, you say, 'Yes, I can. 'Cause I'm doing it right now!'
  • Barry: Well, these people invited us here to make fun of us. This is a contest for the biggest idiot...
    (holding up trophy)
    Barry: which I nailed!
  • Barry: Well, I try to look at the bright side. I guess you could say I'm an eternal optometrist.
  • Barry: I know everything! I have laid eggs... *inside of your brain*!
    Therman: Get them out of my head!
    Barry: You are no longer in control of me! I control you,and you are under my power!
    (whispering)
    Barry: I know everything. And I release you!
  • Barry: When life gives you lemons, you make lemonade. Unless you don't have any water or sugar. And then you just eat the lemons, and the rind will give you diarrhea.
  • Kieran: Sometimes I'll be working on a piece, and I'll think, "No, this is bullshit." So I will literally rub bull excrement on the piece as a metaphor.
  • Müeller: It's my wife's favorite finger.
  • Barry: He slept with Martha at my house! I was under the bed the whole time. What an idiot!
  • Barry: (Whilst holding a picture of Nelson Mandela) He's friends with Morgan Freeman!
  • Barry: In the words of John Lennon, "you may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not."
    Tim: ...the only one.
    Barry: The only what?
    Tim: No, that's the lyric: "You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one."
    Barry: Oh, OK Tim.
  • Barry: OK, may I give you some advice too? Do not wear fishnets on New Year's Eve. It's too cold. When the wind blows, you gotta go with the hose.
  • Barry: Vincent Van Gogh. Everyone said to him, "You can't be a great painter, you only have one ear." And you know what he said? "I can't hear you."
  • Marco - Blind Swordsman: I love to paint.
    Davenport: Oh wow, are you any good?
    Marco - Blind Swordsman: I don't know.
  • Kieran: Have you ever lived among a herd of goats, for months at a time, as one of them?
    Barry: No.
    Kieran: That surprises me.
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