Dean Martin
American singer and actor (1917–1995)
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- If you drink don't drive. Don't even putt.
- On James Stewart: There's a statue of Jimmy Stewart in the Hollywood Wax Museum, and the statue talks better than he does.
- On Bob Hope: As a young boy, Bob didn't have much to say. He couldn't afford writers then.
- I can't stand an actor or actress who tells me acting is hard work. It's easy work. Anyone who says it isn't never had to stand on his feet all day dealing blackjack.
- To those who felt he joked his way through songs during concert and nightclub appearences: "You wanna hear it straight, buy the album."
- On his tee-total friend Pat Boone: "I once shook hands with Pat Boone, and my whole right side sobered up!"
- On Phyllis Diller: Phyllis is the women of about whom Picasso once said, "Somebody throw a drop cloth over that."
- (on Frank Sinatra) When he dies, they're giving his zipper to the Smithsonian.
- On Frank Sinatra: In high school, Frank never participated in extra-curricular activities, like nature study, paintings or ceramics. Frank's hobby was a most interesting one: he was an amateur gynecologist.
- On Don Rickles: Don's idea of a fun evening is to show home movies of the attack on Pearl Harbor...with a laugh track.
- On Milton Berle: Milton Berle is an inspiration to every young person that wants to get into show business. Hard work, perseverance, and discipline: all the things you need...when you have no talent.
- I've got seven kids. The three words you hear most around my house are 'hello,' 'goodbye,' and 'I'm pregnant.
- I drink because my body craves, needs alcohol. I don't drink, my body's a drunk.
- (on Shirley MacLaine) Shirley, I love her, but her oars aren't touching the water these days.
- Upon filing for divorce from his second wife: "I know it's the gentlemanly thing to let the wife file. But, then, everybody knows I'm no gentleman."
- I'd hate to be a teetotaler. Imagine getting up in the morning and knowing that's as good as you're going to feel all day.
- (on Jerry Lewis) At some point he said to himself, "I'm extraordinary, like Charles Chaplin." From then on nobody could tell him anything. He knew it all.
- (on singer Eddie Fisher) The reason I drink is because when I'm sober I think I'm Eddie Fisher.
- On Joey Bishop: Most people think of Joey Bishop as just a replacement for Johnny Carson. That's NOT true. We in show business know better: we don't think of him at ALL.
- Motivation is a lotta crap.
- If people want to think I get drunk and stay out all night, let 'em. That's how I got here, you know.
- On Orson Welles: What can you say about Orson Welles that Don Rickles hasn't already said about him?!
- On Johnny Carson: Johnny Carson is a comedian who is seen every night in millions of bedrooms all over America...and that's why his last wife left him.
- Someone else, would have laid around, feeling sorry for himself, for a year. But Duke, he just doesn't know, how to be sick ... he's recuperating the hard way. He's two loud speaking guys in one. Me, when people see me, they sometimes say, 'Oh, there goes Perry Como.' But there's only one 'John Wayne', and nobody makes any mistakes about that. - On The Sons of Katie Elder (1965)