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  • Men don’t realize that if we’re sleeping with them on the first date, we’re probably not interested in seeing them again either.
  • My feeling is, if a dog is that hard up to break free, let it go. It's like a boyfriend who wants to break up. We all know the old adage "If you set someone free, and he never comes back, then he was never yours." I understand the main fear with setting dogs loose is they could get hit by a car, but so could an ex boyfriend. That's just a chance you have to take.
  • My mother told me that life isn't always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you have to do things for the sole benefit of another human being. I completely agreed with her, but reminded her that that was what blow jobs were for.
  • I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.
  • Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with some one long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.
  • It looks like Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are ‘taking a break.’ Their engagement is off, and Heidi is going back to Colorado. This is really sad for Heidi and for all the Hills fans and for the entire state of Colorado.
  • # Jessica Simpson attended boyfriend Tony Romo’s football game. The Cowboys quarterback had the worst game of his career. It’s a bad year for the name Simpson. Even O.J. is pissed—he feels like they’re making his name look bad.
  • # This year Heidi Fleiss will be opening the Stud Farm, her all-male brothel outside of Las Vegas. This is for women to find men. If you’re a guy looking for a guy, you still have to find it at the airport bathroom.
  • # In a statement to the Associated Press earlier in the year, Jamie Lynn said she didn’t have a boyfriend. She said, ‘I’m keeping my options open.’ And by options, she meant legs.
  • his week Jamie Lynn Spears announced that she’s pregnant. I think she should opt for adoption. I would never recommend abortion, unless you’ve got the punch card filled up, and the eighth one is free.
  • Kiefer Sutherland is spending the holidays behind bars, so for Christmas he’ll need crossword puzzles, stationery, magazines, a cork and a rape whistle.
  • Men don’t realize that if we’re sleeping with them on the first date, we’re probably not interested in seeing them again either.
  • I went out with a guy who once told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.
  • I have no idea why gay men love me, but I would have to assume it’s because they know how much I love the gays! Everyone needs a good gay man in their life.
  • I’ll always be doing stand-up as long as people are still interested in seeing me.
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